cindyrs

I was finally able to express how i felt for the pass few months but i didn’t spill entirely what was within my mind but what i did spill i believed was enough. But i’ve came to realize it wasn’t, i wish i could just spill it out but there’s people i associate with everyday that i know who read my blogs and blogs in my opinion are suppose to express your thoughts in a way where your comfortable. And i’m definitely not comfortable expressing the words i need and want because i don’t want the people who know me to know what’s going on with me. Nothing against the people i know it’s just i want to be able to have a blog where i can type up all the nonsense i want away without worrying someone who knows me questioning my thoughts and what is occurring in my life or even speaking of my blogs with another individual.

Everything seems to be going by really fast this year, i really need an E-BREAK. Overwhelming fashion show, competitive competitions, stressful apps, and my own emotional roadblock that only i can get through.

“You may think you want to disappear but all you need is to be saved.” Someone please save me.

(via lovelythang)

at least i’m getting certain things done.

I fear the world very much, especially how I’m going to turn out and how i’m going to fit in this world. Things just seems to be out of place right now and i don’t know when exactly things will start falling in place…all i can hope for is to try, but then again it’s easier said than done. I have so many things i want to try and accomplish, i know i have a lot of potential but I’m just not putting them into good use. It’s become a habit now and i need the motivation & inspiration to get my engine running again because if i don’t it’s going to be too late. I’m just going to be a broken down car on the side of the road rusting away in the rain while everyone else is passing me by at full speed. I have too many things that’s pulling me over and the biggest roadblock is you. You would never think a roadblock in your life could possibly be your family because of course, they want the best for you and i truly do know you want the best for me dad but your ways are just so wrong. Instead of having things turn out the way you want it’s the total opposite. Please know i have to work towards my passion and what i believe is best for me (whether you like it or not) dad because just like you said, “it’s going to be my future not yours”. Not only that you have to let me do it my way even if i fall from the greatest heights dad, you can’t always be there to catch me…most of the time i’m going to be the one picking myself up. And I’m not saying i don’t need you dad i do but i need you in a way where you’ll be there to put on band-aids for me and kiss my boo boos away. And dad when things don’t turn out your way or when i don’t do as you say it doesn’t mean I’m disrespecting you I’m just handling certain things my way, please please understand how i see it. Dad your words taunt me like a bully would taunt another kid, it’s the same pain and damage but worse because i thought you’d be on my side. I’m more mature than you think i am, I’ve been through so many things that you could of never imagined and I’m still on my way of recovering from them. With the circumstances i have now i can only say i have no family i have a wonderful loving mom and a dad and brother that i know of. You say “i don’t care if you hate me or not because when your older you’ll know why i did this”, well dad i disagree i want to be able to say i love my dad i love my family i love spending every second of my life with my family but you, you make it impossible for me to say those words instead you make me want to say the total opposite. I don’t even know if deep down i do love you and if my view of you is still going to be the same in the future. But i was told that i can’t change you but i can change myself and that’s what I’m going to do. Dad i could of done so much and made a difference in this world, in your world, become something you could of been proud of but to you I’m a disappointment but I’m okay with that because you don’t know the truth and you don’t bother you just assume. I need to turn this all around and put it in a sense of where I’m going to prove you wrong because the greatest revenge is doing what the person say i can’t and there is no greater slap in the face than proving you wrong.I have to overlook the negative and surpass it because in the end it’s going to be the result of my future. Please Anita do it for yourself, your future, you won’t regret it.

I want the type of family where my mom’s my best friend but when i need her as a mom she’ll be there for me. The dad that cares for me, looks out for me, and isn’t TOO scared to let me go as an adult (this list could go on and on). The brother that i could look up to and go to for any help a brother i could get knowledge from because he’ll know so much more than me no matter what from being older. The average american-family + our cultural background. But you can’t always get what you want so what i can only hope for is to have a beautiful family like this someday in the future.

P.S. Dad i really do want to be able to say i love you. Just give me the chance.

(Side note) I’ve been trying so hard to un-cluster my thoughts and i ended up realizing that the best way was to write a letter dedicated to my dad. A letter he’ll never read but then again maybe just maybe when I’m older and when he’s more understanding I’ll show him. I may be editing this piece for awhile since my thoughts has been and still is clustered. So I’ll just re-post when i do. I apologize if this post seems disconnected due to my best effort of jotting everything that came to my mind i tried my best to place my thoughts in a way where it would make sense.